You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
