I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
