a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
