I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Green mimosas i think yes
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
