i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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