First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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