I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize