If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
it was like eating out sand paper
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize