***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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