New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
