Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
