I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
