if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
