Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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