They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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