In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
