remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
