On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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