yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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