it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
