sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
