if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
