Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
