Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
