You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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