Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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