I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He? As in you personified your dick?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
