I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize