Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
