That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
