Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
