just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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