Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
