Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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