I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
