Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
