If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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