U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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