I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
