He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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