so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
