Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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