I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
