Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
