i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
