Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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