just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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