And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
