I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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