I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
