Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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