One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
