I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
