I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
