All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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