I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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