By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
3 2 1 whiskey
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
