The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
