Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
