Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When did angry sex become our thing?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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