I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
